BlazGear: Dimension Shift Gag Reel - The Love Doctor
by HamBone318
Summary: Faust plays matchmaker in this "expansion" of my BlazGear series. Rated T for language and crude humor / suggestive themes.


"Ah, that should do it!"

At a humble doctor's office in a quaint town, the mysterious savior known as Faust could be seen hanging a new sign outside the door. Wiping the sweat from his brow (on the paper bag covering his head), he reviewed the crudely painted sign, reading it aloud.

"_Now serving patients with relationship problems. _Great!"

Giving himself a thumbs-up, Faust returned inside, waiting to see if anyone needed help would stop by.

He didn't wait too long, though, as a man and woman entered the office together.

"Welcome, welcome! How may I help you two?"

The man, wearing a black suit and tie (with matching fedora) spoke up first, raising a hand in front of his female companion.

"Dr. Faust, I presume?" he asked cordially. "We're here because Tsubaki… I'm sorry, 'Major' Yayoi here, is in dire need of your expertise in relationships."

"Captain Hazama…" the red-headed female replied sternly, her eyes narrowing with irritation. "I don't see how this supposed… 'love guru' is going to help anything."

"Well, to put it bluntly, Major, everyone at headquarters thinks you have a stick up your ass all the time, and we all believe that maybe a boy toy or something will remedy that." he said with a smirk. "Frankly it's for us just as much as it is for you."

"Such a cruel thing to say, Hazama…" Tsubaki sighed.

Listening to the two speak, Faust nodded his head and cupped his chin, then said to the pair, "Well, we'll have to run some tests… but rest assured, we'll find a solution for your troubles!"

He then turned to the front desk, where his bubbly receptionist was quietly sitting. "Fanny, can you please bring the patient to the back and check her out?"

"Right away, Doctor!" Fanny then stood, leading Tsubaki to the back for her exam. Hazama tipped his hat, then stated, "Well, I'm heading back to HQ. I'll see you when you return, Major." With that, he turned on his heel and made his way out the door, with Dr. Faust waving him goodbye.

A short while passed, as Faust was going over some results on a clipboard in the front lobby, when the door opened again. A busty woman had strutted in, her red latex miniskirt and witch's hat gleaming in the fluorescent light of the doctor's office.

"Hello~! I'm here for my follow-up!" she called out, waving her hand above her head.

"I-No! Good to see you again!" Faust replied, walking over and giving her a firm handshake. "You're right on time; I was just going over your charts now!"

"Oh goodie! I'm really hoping to put all this heartbreak behind me!"

"Last I recall, _you_ caused most of that heartbreak…" Faust raised an unseen eyebrow.

"Apples and apples, Doc…" she shrugged, fanning her face with her open hand. "Let's just get to the good part!"

"Right… Well let's get to it then!" Faust flipped over the pages on his clipboard, then ran his finger down the list until he came to a particular point on the chart. "First up, let's try… Ragna the Bloodedge!"

Immediately after he had said that, Fanny had returned for a side door, dragging the white-haired Grim Reaper into the lobby, swiftly depositing him in front of the two others waiting, before disappearing back into the back room.

"What the hell is this?" he asked, looking back from the door he had just come from. "How the hell did I end up here?"

"Never mind the semantics, boy." the doctor replied. "You're here because poor I-No needs some romance in her life!"

"Ooookay…" Ragna narrowed his eyes. "And you chose _me_?"

"You seem like a fine candidate! What do you say, I-No? Like him?"

"Hm…" The red-hatted lady stepped towards him, inspecting him head to toe. "He's young, spry, and full of energy… You could keep me up all night, couldn't you?" she asked seductively.

"I'm flattered. Truly…" the Reaper responded with a subtle (not subtle) touch of sarcasm.

As I-No continued looking over her first candidate, Faust flipped through the pages on his clipboard again, going back and forth between two pages. "Uh-oh…" he said aloud.

"What?" the other two replied in unison.

"There's been a… slight mix-up. Ragna's not on _your_ charts…"

"Huh? Oh poop…" the woman pouted.

"Wait, so… if I'm not on _her_ list, then…"

Just then, the front doors burst open, and a man in a blue military uniform appeared, his blonde hair dripping with sweat as if he was running all day.

"BROTHEEERRRR!"

"Shit…"

Then, the blonde male put Ragna in a headlock, and began dragging him out front. "C'mon Brother! We've got so much to do today!"

"Jin! Let me go you asshole!" Ragna struggled, but to no avail. They both disappeared out the front door, leaving Faust and I-No alone in the lobby.

Without missing a beat, the doctor returned to his charts. "Well that was unexpected. Ah well, let's have a look at the next candidate… Relius Clover."

Fanny returned, leading an older gentleman into the lobby, a magenta cape fluttering behind him, and a gold-colored mask concealing the upper portion of his face.

"Ooooh!~" I-No clasped her hands together upon seeing the man. "Hunky, refined, and mysterious! I think I'm in love~3"

"Intriguing…" Relius said, his expression unmoving. "Is this some sort of experiment?"

"We can experiment if you want, baby!" the woman replied, her eyes gleaming with excitement.

"I see… Well unfortunately, I'm a married man."

I-No's face and heart both sank simultaneously. "Aww, seriously?" she groaned.

Relius nodded, and then snapped his fingers. At that time, a mechanical doll in what looked like a magenta-colored dress with a porcelain-white face appeared behind the man. "Come, Ignis. We've got work of our own to do."

I-No blinked as she watched the couple exit the office. "His wife is a puppet. Unbelievable."

"Fear not! We've still got more candidates for you to choose from!" Faust reassured, holding up a finger to emphasize his statement. "Let's see here… Next up we have… Iron Tager?"

In the very next instant, an enormous orange-skinned monster of a man appeared in the lobby, his heavy feet stomping as he walked over to the pair. "You called for me?" he asked politely.

I-No's eyes grew wide in wonder. "Hubba hubba! Just look at those pecs!" she exclaimed, admiring his bulky and masculine physique.

"Uh, thanks… I guess?" the Red Devil responded bashfully.

"You know, I've always wanted to have a guy with such big… _hands_." I-No teased playfully, running a single finger down Tager's massive chest. "Ooh, I'm gonna have to use _both_ hands, aren't I?"

However, much to I-No's chagrin, the moment was interrupted once again, this time by a slender pink-haired woman wearing glasses, complete with a pair of cat-like tails twisted around each other behind her back. The woman pulled a blue lollipop from her mouth, and then stared up at Tager with a disappointed look on her face. "Tager, what the hell are you doing here?" she asked impatiently.

"Kokonoe… Did you sign me up for a dating service?"

"Do you actually think I'd do something as idiotic as that? I've got better things to waste time and resources on…"

I-No huffed, then tapped Kokonoe on the shoulder, getting the cat-woman's attention. "Um, excuse me? Who are you now?"

Kokonoe simply whirled around and glared evilly at I-No. "Back off, bitch. He's mine."

The red-clad lady's eye twitched as she stared down the invasive pseudo-rival. "You're a bit too petite to even think about handling this guy's massive throbbing—"

"BOY IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE OR WHAT?" Tager immediately interjected, cutting off I-No's sentence before it got out of hand.

Kokonoe blinked, then exchanged glances between Tager and I-No, before coming to a sudden realization. "Hang on a sec… You think he and I—Oh, no no no no no no…" she said, trying not to laugh. "Tager's not an object of sexual pleasure, you see… He's just a coworker, sort of. I built him, you see, so he's mine… and he's not available."

Kokonoe turned to her partner, then motioned for him to follow as she exited the doctor's office. Dumbfounded, the doctor and his patient both sighed heavily.

"Why is it that all of these guys you're showing me are taken?"

"Don't worry; we've still got one more hopeful prospect!" Faust said optimistically.

"I hope so, 'cause right now my love-life is looking pretty dismal."

"Well let's get right to it!" The doctor looked back down on his clipboard, then scratched his head curiously. "Hm, this seems odd. Tao… kaka?"

Just then, another strange cat-like girl appeared, but this one was much more feline than the previous woman. Walking into the lobby, Taokaka peeked around, sniffing the air from behind the cloak of her face-darkening hood. "Huh? This isn't the buffet!" she said, displeased. "Tao wants to see the manager!"

I-No groaned, covering her face with her palm and shaking her head. "Eh, she's cute and all… Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to some yuri action, but I was really hoping for a man to please me…"

Suddenly, Tao glanced over at the rockstar, her eyes growing as wide as they had ever been. "Whoa-hohohoa!" she cried out. "Look at _those_ meatbuns!" She then licked her lips, and lunged over at I-No, firmly grasping her breasts and pushing them together and kneading them.

"Kyah!" I-No gasped, not expecting something like that to happen. Of course, she didn't exactly mind, either. "_Fortissimo!_ I think I've found the one!" After another moment or so of groping and giggling, to two lovebirds stepped out of the doctor's office, with Tao in I-No's arms as they walked into the sunset.

… or whatever other cheesy romance movie ending you want, I don't really care.

Faust sighed, watching them leave. "Ahh… I love it when love finds a way!" He then turned and went back inside, returning to his desk to work some more.

/

After a nice long break, as Faust was working on more paperwork at the reception desk, Fanny finally returned up front, with Tsubaki in tow. The young nurse handed the doctor the clipboard she held, to which Faust nodded and rose up from his seat, going over to the red-head in waiting. "Well, are you ready for your results?"

Tsubaki's cheeks were blushing lightly, mainly from the invasive personal questions that were asked of her during her exam in the back. "No… I mean yes! I mean… maybe?" She mumbled something else, but it wasn't loud enough for anyone else to hear.

The doctor looked through the notes on his clipboard, responding quietly with a slew of "Hm" and "Ah" and "I see" over and over again. After carefully examining the results, Faust set down the clipboard and clasped his hands together. Tsubaki, patiently (or impatiently) waiting, remained silent until the doctor spoke up again.

"Alright then! You're most compatible match, is…"

"Jin Kisragi?!" The red-haired major interrupted excitedly. Her face then turned beet red as she threw her hands over her mouth.

"Er… no." Faust answered flatly. "Actually, Jin was here earlier. He was last seen dragging his brother away for some unknown 'activities' or something."

Tsubaki's blush faded, and she pulled her hands down from her face. "Such a strange relationship those two have…" she said, then looked up at the doctor again. "But if it's not Jin, then who?"

"Well…" Faust began. "… The only real result we have here is… Makoto Nanaya!"

"What? Makoto?!"

"Hohohoh! Now we're talkin'!" Makoto shouted abruptly as she suddenly appeared in the lobby. The squirrel-girl then wrapped her arms around the major, lifting her off of her feet.

"Wah! M-Makoto!" Tsubaki's blush had returned in full force. "Put me down!"

"Not a chance, sweetcheeks! I know you remember our 'fun times' during academy!"

"Th-That was one time! A-And I was just curious!"

Unconvinced of Tsubaki's plea, Makoto carried the hapless major out of the office, with the red-head kicking helplessly into the air.

Faust waved the two off as they walked away, wiping a tear away from his eye as imaginary hearts floated around his head.

"*sniff* I love a happy ending!"


End file.
